Guest Blog - Giving and gratitude, some ideas for a (scientifically) happier Christmas by Ilona Boniwell of Positran

Ilona is the head of Positran, experts in the psychology of positive transformations

Christmas past

I am dreaming of a lovely family Christmas, and I don’t mind if is white or grey. I do, nevertheless, mind whether it works out or not, as well as how humanly and psychologically messy it will end up being.

Last Christmas our teens decided to surprise us by setting up a casino in the living room, dressing up as croupiers, and getting the adults (that’s me, my husband, my husband’s ex and his best friend) to be the clients. As lavish, extravagant and original as that might sound, the enjoyment of the process was rather affected by the fact that in preparing the casino set-up, the teens did not check the rules of the proposed game and a few minutes into it started arguing over the way forward. In fact, at one point, the only way forward was to end the game.

The previous Christmas one of the teens made a fuss over receiving a “wrong” version of a GoPro camcorder for a present. This left a sour taste in the mouth, and almost erased all other magical moments of that year’s celebrations, including the memory of our one-and-a-half year old Theodore delivering presents to their rightful recipients, tumbling and falling over, rising up and toddling again…

Two Christmases ago Hugo went down with a virus and my husband spent most of the feast in his bedroom trying to bring the fever down. As Hugo started showing signs of recovery, we stepped out on the terrace wrapped in warm blankets sipping mulled wine and saw Flip, our dog, collapsing into the pond having seizures. Flip was gone before the festivities were over, diagnosed with incurable brain cancer.

You won’t be too surprised if I tell you that I feel a little weary of Christmas. And I suspect I am not alone. A friend of mine is already freaking out over her in-laws coming to stay for a week and I overhead a colleague complaining that she always ends up as the one cooking Christmas meals for her family of fifteen. And, as far as blended families are concerned, no wonder it gets messy dividing the Christmas between Mum and Dad who, in turn, are dividing it between their parents and in-laws.

Ideas

For me, the two Christmas secrets are “giving” and “gratitude”. Once the pillars of religion and spirituality, nowadays these acts are also amongst the best evidence-best interventions known to modern science.

How often do you go out of your way to help someone else, a friend, colleague or stranger perhaps? Take a few minutes to think about it. Maybe you ran an errand for your elderly neighbour, helped a busy mum carry her buggy up some steps or donated blood. Doing kind deeds frequently not only boosts your mood temporarily, it also leads to long-lasting happiness as well as making other people feel good too. So it’s a brilliant win-win activity, plus it needn’t cost you anything.

Researchers suggest a number of reasons why doing kind acts for others makes us happier. They make us feel more confident, in control and optimistic about our ability to make a difference. They may make us more positive about other people and enable us to connect with them better (a basic human need), which contributes to our happiness. What scientific studies also show is that acts of kindness have more impact on well-being if we do a variety of different things, rather than repeating the same activity.

“Wait a minute”, you might think, “this sounds nice, but when it comes to Christmas, it is pretty hard to think of acts of giving without putting a hefty price tag on them.” Well, allow me to disagree. What about home-made cakes and pies as Xmas presents for your neighbours? Or playing your kids’ favourite board game (even if it does bore you a little)? And as far as children and teenagers are concerned, I always insist that they do not buy presents for us. My favourite present from Jason one year was a voucher entitling us to twenty hours of help of any nature.

As a child you probably remember having to write thank-you letters to the friends and relatives who gave you birthday and Christmas presents. As an adult this is probably not something you do as frequently, if at all. It’s not that you’re not thankful for the things you have in life, just that you don’t often stop to think about it.

In fact, expressing your gratitude for something, or someone, whether in writing or verbally, is one of the simplest but most effective ways of increasing your happiness. Sounds too good to be true doesn’t it, but there is overwhelming empirical evidence that people with a grateful disposition are more enthusiastic, joyful, attentive, determined, interested, helpful, optimistic and energetic than those who aren’t. Not only that, but grateful people have been shown to be less depressed, anxious, lonely, envious and materialistic. In an internet sample of over 5000 adults, gratitude was one of the top five character strengths consistently and robustly associated with life satisfaction. So if you want a tried and tested method to increase your happiness, what are you waiting for? There are numerous ways to express your gratitude. One of the most famous positive psychology interventions, the Gratitude Visit advises you to” Think of a person you feel grateful to for something that they have done for you in the past. Write a letter to them, describing what they did and what effect it had on you and your life. Once you have finished, give this person a ring and arrange an appointment to see them, preferably in their house. When you meet, read your letter out loud to the recipient”. Researchers explain the effects of gratitude by the fact that it promotes the savouring of experiences and does not allow people to take the positive aspects of their existence for granted, thus counteracting hedonic adaptation.

This year, I might just drop the usual Christmas cards, replacing them with the dancing and singing Christmas emails and instead put a whole lot of empty cards by the Christmas tree for my family to write some thank you and appreciation messages to each other. The plan is to hang them on the tree and read them out loud when the time comes. Let’s just hope it all works out as expected…

And if this doesn’t work out? Well, I would have to take refuge in “three good things”, an iconic positive psychology technique that prompts us to focus and be grateful for the things that went well. Given that its positive effects last as long as six months, it might keep me going until the summer.

Ilona Boniwell

Read more on happiness boosting interventions in Ilona’s book “Positive psychology in a nutshell” (The Open University Press)

Browse: I’m sure you can think of lots of kind things to do once you put your mind to it, but in case you need some ideas, why not take a look at the Random Acts of Kindness Foundation website www.actsofkindness.org

Visit www.positran.co.uk and click on “strengths cards” if you are looking for an original present for your loved one.

Using your Positran Strengths Cards

According to Professor Alex Linley, “a strength is a pre-existing capacity for a particular way of behaving, thinking, or feeling that is authentic and energising to the user, and enables optimal functioning, development and performance” In fact, the strengths concept is so central to positive psychology nowadays, that the knowledge and utilisation of one’s strengths is considered to be one of the most direct routes to personal and professional fulfilment.

So what is the value of strengths and how can they be applied to help us live our life to its fullest? Research has demonstrated that by simply following our strengths, we can gain insight and perspective into our lives, generate optimism, confidence and even enhanced sense of vitality. More importantly, strengths appear to have a preventative mechanism in terms of buffering against certain types of physical dysfunction such as allergies, diabetes, chronic pain and even some mental disorders. Finally, strengths help build psychological resilience, whilst the use of signature strengths in work, love, play and parenting generating positive emotions. Finally, the strengths approach is argued to be at the heart of successful psychological therapies and coaching.

So how can you use these cards to identify, develop and use the strengths to the max? The following activities can be carried out in one-to-one conversations and sessions, within a family circle, with friends, and of course, in many training and team building situations. These activities are written with the end-user in mind, so if you are a coach or a therapist, please note that by “you” we actually mean “your client”.

1. Who am I?

Simply identifying your signature strengths can significantly enhance your well-being levels (Seligman et al., 2005). Looking in the cards in front of you, pick the top five you feel are most authentic to you. When you are doing this, think about:

•  Does this strength reflect who you really are?

•  When you are demonstrating this strength, do you truly enjoy yourself?

•  Are you energised during and after its use?

2. Strengths introductions

In groups of no more than 5-6, looking at the cards in front of you, pick three that you consider to be your top strengths. Have a brief look at the description and strengths questions at the back. Introduce yourself to the group giving concrete examples of using these strengths (not just “I think I am a creative person”). Each member of the group takes turns to do the same.

3. At your best

Please turn to the person on your left and ask them to describe a situation when they were at their personal best. What did it feel like? Ask them to describe the beginning, the middle and the end. They need to reflect on the personal strengths displayed throughout the event and pick them up from the strengths pack. Once they have finished, please switch the roles and do the same yourself.

4. Strengths nominations

Nominate one or more other strengths for other people in the group, giving concrete examples of when you saw them using this strength. This exercise is contagious; you will see the whole group nominating strengths for each other within minutes. It can be quite emotional as well.

5. Strengths sort

This exercise is best done on your own or one-to-one with a coach or a friend. Create five piles in front of you and place each of the cards from the pack into one of the piles.

1) Not me – a card that you see in front of you is neither your strength, nor your potential, competence or weakness. It simply does not apply to you.

2)  My strengths are the strengths that you already are aware of and use frequently, which, in turn, enable you to be and perform at your best.

3)  My potentials are strengths that you may not be able to express on a daily basis due to your environment and work situations. However, when you do display them you derive energy and satisfaction from exhibiting these attributes.

4)  My competences are the behaviours that you have, over time, learned to do well, however you do not derive pleasure or energy from performing them. In fact, quite the opposite, they seem to suck the energy out of you, even when the results are perfectly satisfactory.

5)  My weaknesses encompass the behaviours that you just can’t do well and that seem to drain you. These attributes can create issues and need to be managed so that they do not hinder your success in life

Next, pile by pile decide what to do with the outcomes. Are you using your strengths well (see strengths-based work) or are you over-using them? How can you develop your potentials (see strengths stretch)? How can you minimise the use of your competences (if they drain you, they can’t be that good for you)?

Finally, what would you like to do with each of your weaknesses? You can try to develop them (see activate your strengths), ignore them (if you can get away with it), or find creative ways to compensate for them (by using strengths partnering, for example).

6. Strengths stretch

You can try using your top strengths and potentials in a new way every day, for at least one week. Infusing your daily life with variety in how you express your strength has a lasting effect on increased happiness and decreased depressive symptoms for up to 6 months (Seligman, et al., 2005). You can see some suggestions for strengths stretch on the back of your strengths cards, or generate some new ones with your coach.

7. Make a beautiful day using your strengths

Try some other creative ideas around incorporating strengths into your daily live, for example, creating ‘a beautiful day’ or going on a ‘strengths date’. To create a ‘beautiful day’, use your top strengths to create the perfect day (or even half day). Thus, if your top traits are love of learning and curiosity, your day might include a trip to a favourite museum or a few hours with a book that you've been meaning to read. If the capacity to love crowns your list, you might spend an evening with old

friends or summon family for a dinner. You can also take your ‘strengths day’ further and design a date with your significant other in such a way as to enable both of you to be within your strengths zone.

8. Strengths-based work

Examine how much you are able to exercise your top strengths in your current job. If you could start it all over, what job would you chose, taking your top strengths into account? For example, if your top strength is kindness, would you like a job with some form of mentoring element in it? If you are not using your strengths in your current job to the full, brainstorm together with your coach or your group/team how you can bring them in a little more, or how you can change your role somewhat to reflect your strengths better.

9. Activate your strengths

You can also choose five of your weaknesses (or lesser strengths) and try to cultivate them throughout the next seven days. Monitor the positive emotions, such as vitality, excitement, authenticity, etc., that you experience trying to put these lesser strengths to work. See some suggestions for activating activities at the back of the cards, or try to brainstorm some new ones with your coach or group.

10. Strengths partnering

This exercise is best done with your existing team. Introduce yourself to the group with both your strengths and some of your weaknesses that you prefer not to develop, if at all possible. Listen carefully to each other, examining how the strengths of one can compensate for the weaknesses of another, and vice versa. You might have to be creative in finding tangible solutions that could work for your team.